I was kneeling on the floor of my dining room crying my eyes out and spewing out the worst words of disgust to myself. Words that I would never say to another human being,, but it seemed okay to say to myself. The self-loathing went to the core of my being. How had I got here? I was supposed to be the example for others, to steer them away from adrenal burnout and here I was in a state of complete burnout.
I spent the next 2 days in bed, crying and not knowing what I was going to do next. I was so tired that I could hardly lift myself from my bed. Eating was an effort but somehow I had to find the energy to be able to cook for my family. I felt guilty because I was falling apart at home and my husband was at work earning a living to support our family.
As a business owner, how could I deal with am employee who had no faith in herself, who couldn’t get out of bed, who didn’t want to do anything? I knew that my business was a reflection of my energy and well-being, which wasn’t looking so good at that moment. I did what any sensible employer would do who – I sacked myself!
I made a very tough decision that I was going to walk away from my business and everything business related until I felt ready to return. This meant telling clients that I wouldn’t be available for at least 2 months, it meant not releasing my weekly podcast, not sending my fortnightly newsletters and not doing anything on my to-do list. It was hard to do but guess what? The world didn’t end!
So since mid-December last year I have done very little ‘work’ at all. I have spent time with my family, I have read heaps of books, I have spent hours in front of the television binge watching episodes of Criminal Minds and Law & Order. In short I haven’t been doing anything very constructive at all.
I didn’t do this lightly, there was heaps of guilt at not doing anything. I can’t remember anytime in my life, since I started high school, that I have had no work to do. The voices in my head were relentless to start with – you are lazy, get up and work, why should others work while you do nothing….and it went on. The voices and the guilt held me fugitive for a couple of weeks, and then it all stopped.
I settled into a nice pattern of relaxing, reading and swimming. I went on holidays for 2 weeks with my family and had some fun. I caught up with friends for long lunches, went to the movies a few times. These are things that I haven’t done in so many years, and the voices inside of my head had finally stopped. There was no more judgement, no more fear, no more unrealistic expectations. All I felt was a deep peace, this is what I had been searching for.
Mid January I thought that I would do some work one day, all I did was record some videos for my on-line program. But that night I couldn’t sleep, I was so wired. This was a clear sign to me that my adrenals were burnt out, my cortisol levels were way too high and stopping me from being able to sleep and in fact I wasn’t even tired but then the next day I crashed again. Interestingly enough even though I experienced this sleeplessness, my mind wasn’t spinning like it used to. In fact as I lay in bed trying to sleep my mind was completely still, I meditated and observed myself. Once again I was feeling peaceful.
There is a lot more to this story which I will share in future blogs. The story about endings, the story about watching my son become a young man and what that meant to me. The story of my daughter leaving primary school and a schooling system that we had been a part of for 12 years. The past few months have been a time of change, stories and transformation but it has also been a time of absolute retreat.
I am now doing small amounts of work, when it feels right. I am back working with a small number of clients who I want to serve and help as much as I can. My main focus for the present time is to get my health back on track. Having lived the past 3 years in intense pain it is time to address it all properly.
Whilst things have been a little tough over the past few months I am truly grateful because this time has also been the birth of a concept called HARMONIE. You will learn more about HARMONIE in the next few weeks, as I continue on my journey and create the HARMONIE book and Journal.
Energy is movement
Movement is change and
Change is the essence of my life
The more I choose to change
The more vital and energetic I feel
I am strong and healthy, it’s my life
Infinite Love and Gratitude
PS I have put together some of my favourite quotes that I often share on social media. I would love to share them with you. You are free to download, print or share any of these images. To grab them click here