On April 26th this year my world turned upside down. I had taken some time off from my business to recover my health after having reached close to adrenal burnout at the end of last year. I thought that having to almost shut down my business due to my health was bad, I never imagined what was coming. I now know that I needed that time to recover because what was coming would push me to my limits and beyond.
Back to April 26th, this was the day that my husband (Paul) was diagnosed with a rare form of melanoma. What had started as an ulcer inside his mouth was found out to be mucosal melanoma which had spread up one side of his jaw. We were told that his lower left half of his jaw would need to be removed and rebuilt using a bone from his leg. The Doctors told us that this would be a fairly straight forward operation which would have him in hospital for about 10 days and then another 3 weeks recovering at home. Then after the operation he would need radiation therapy for any cancer cells that remained. While this was a shock, it seemed that it would be a relatively quick process and he would be back to normal life fairly quickly. My husband was a very fit man who rode a bicycle about 200km each week, there wasn’t an ounce of extra fat on him and he had plenty of muscle.
Unfortunately things didn’t go to plan and Paul ended up having 3 major surgeries in 10 days, he had some serious infections, pneumonia and the skin graft inside his mouth failed twice. He has just had his fourth operation for a third skin graft and remains in ICU being very closely monitored. What started out as a 10 day hospital stay is now almost 8 weeks. During this 8 weeks Paul has been tube fed the entire time, he has lost 12kgs and at times has been so sick that he didn’t even know who I was. Every day for 8 weeks (except the 3 days that he had his extra operations) I have travelled across Sydney (50-60mins each way) to visit him and for the past 3 weeks I have also had my 2 children on school holidays.
There have been so many times over the past 8 weeks that I have been tempted to give up, but I can’t. I can’t walk away from this, every day I have to show up. Whether that is showing up at the hospital or showing up for my children, this is something that I can’t give up on.
In this time I have experienced tears, anger, frustration, unbelievable love and now I have a sense of calm. I don’t know why this happened to us but I do know there is a lesson here for me (and probably my husband). The single biggest thing that has helped me through this time is my daily LifeLine Technique (LLT) Practice. In the LLT we see all pain, stress and suffering as a portal to the greatest version of ourselves. I have used the LLT to help me clear the fear, anger and all of the stress around what was happening in my life.
Many of the people around me find it difficult to understand why I seem so calm and accepting of our current situation, my emotions seem to have disappeared. They are expecting me to be a lot more emotional, particularly this last week when Paul went in for his 4th surgery. I know that me breaking down into a crumbling mess helps no one – not me, not my children and not Paul. My role is to be the light and the strength that others require and for me to be this person I need to make sure that I look after myself. I have committed to doing a few small things for myself including eating well, daily body boosts after my shower, yoga at least 3 times a week, my daily LLT practice and a weekly LLT healing circle with my mentor. This is the maximum that I can do for myself at the moment but since making the decision to find time for these things, I have seem to have more time for other things.
I still don’t know what is going to happen in the future, Paul still has cancer cells inside his skull and he needs to recover properly at home. I have shut down my entire business at the moment but I am thinking about what I will be doing in the future and it feels exciting. I do know that whatever happens I will continue to face the portals of pain, fear and stress so that I can grow into the best version my myself.
Infinite Love and Gratitude